Introspection

Hello there !
Been a long time since we saw each other. How you doin? :P
Last few months have been... well, how do I put it... quite eventful :P
Whatever the reasons were, I sadly distanced myself from this blog. Yesterday, while I was cleaning my room, I found something that I wrote more than a year back . I am pretty sure there are many other people who are in that phase of life to be able to connect to this. Mirroring the raw thoughts that sometimes feels meaningless and unconnected, this piece is a the rough draft of what was originally part of something bigger. So, here it is... a tale of a vulnerable soul !

I am a person. Not really "normal". "Eccentric" would be a nice way to put it. I tell myself that this is because of a small rewiring in the brain because other than that, I gots no explanation :P

They say I see the world differently. That, I do not know because I have no clue what you see to serve as a reference. 

But, I know I am the one who works my ass off when someone says something is not possible. But, if you say it is easy and there are proven ways to do it, something weird happens, I procrastinate. This actually makes me the wrong person to get work done. You might think, if I give him the full responsibility and endless freedom, he can get things right ! But noooo... somehow I end up screwing it up again. 

But, that is so not what is in the inside of me. I am a fighter. I fight. I want to fight tooth and nail to be heard. I make space I challenge the status quo. I want to make new things, new products and expand the density of the grey matter in my brains. I want to push those suffocating me to find my way.

But when a chance does come to jump to the stars, I somehow falter. Start to think about the endless possibilities. More and more I think, more and more intimidated I become. The more I think about it, lesser is the level of my new goal. What started at stars, goes down to the moon but ends up at the treetop. That too done with an ass on fire ! When I look down, I see a bunch of people more hopeless than me trying to still figure out how to climb a mere tree. Looking down makes me feel happy and gives me a sense of achievement. 

But, once in a while, I see a shooting star in the sky steered by a familiar face from the past. This makes me rethink my entire journey. That's when the false dream crashes to the ground filling my mouth with the dirt of reality. This tree that I am sitting on was actually a child's play, and yet, instead of making this my first step, it ended up being my destination. This starts the corrective measure making phase. With a healthy overdose of adrenaline, I start to pump iron. Results become visible. I start to extrapolate these to a longer duration, feel happy and here is where the old habits kick in again. Getting complacent and slowing down the pace ! When I stop to look around, I see someone much slower but persistent overtaking me. This makes me sprint. Little to I know that sprints are not for long distance and fall down tired. Fallen and lagging behind, I begin to question my inherent capabilities ! I guess this is what people call as depression. You feel like drowning with difficulty even in catching a breath and see others floating away in bliss.

This my friend, is the mouth of an abyss. A small push, and you fall right into it. All you see in the darkness is your own hopelessness and despair ! Initially, you try to crawl up. Pulling yourself up itself up itself is a big challenge. There are days when even retaining the same hold feels like an achievement. This is an abyss alright! But a semi transparent one. You can see the world through an exaggerating filter. You see the colour, the happiness ! But the world can't see you. You fear shouting for help. One because you are a proud being and two because you don't want anyone to throw rocks at you. Little do you actually know that there are more people having ropes than rocks !

Once you finally come out of the pit, yet you are not completely free ! You look around and find you have been spent considerable effort and yet haven't moved any further in the race unlike your mates. This is where you feel a tug under your legs that wants you back in the pit ! After all that strenuous climb, even that tree seems like a Burj Khalifa !

Once you decide to climb it, you realize that it is a much easier climb given that your arms and shoulders are much stronger now. 

A fighter is not just someone who draws out his sword to fight another guy wielding it. A fighter is the one who denies to give up. The one who falls ten times and gets up ten times. At the end of the fight, you don't find a treasure, you find yourself !

They say greed is wrong. Pressure is bad. But, without greed if everyone were to give up and become complacent, where would we have been today? Science, just like many other things would just have been another philosophy. Just sit and babble about how stars affect us and not giving a damn about how to reach them !

You don't really run fast when you are all alone. But, in a chaos, you push yourself and pour in every ounce of energy into your legs and rush forward. Such an effort makes you yearn for a position and have respect towards what you have right now !

But, I have realized that this is not a one time thing. I can't just stop and relax. I try to be "normal" once and fell down in the abyss. And now that I continue the journey, I ask myself one thing ! Have I become boring and normal and "unique" just like everyone else?

I see myself as this giant piece of metal balanced by tiny tires. I am not really invisible and not really tactful moving around. Even small steps in the crowded streets seem to be a tough task.  

Little do I realize that I am a mighty metal winged bird made to rule the skies. And these tires are 

just till the thrusters kick in!